Speak now or forever hold your peace: what to talk about before marriage?
Thinking of getting on one knee while Taylor Swift sings Love Story? When one thinks of getting married, they spend a lot of time thinking about how to propose. However, there are many important conversations one needs to have with their partner before saying “I do.”
Wanting to delve deeper into the topic of conversations before marriage: htht organised a panel on 3rd March 2024 with a divorce lawyer, a marriage counsellor and a solemniser to ask them exactly this question. We have gathered their insights for you below! Do follow our Instagram page and Telegram group so that you don’t miss out on our future panels!
Conversations to have before marriage:
Alignment of values and definition of marriage
Albert Lim, the solemniser on the panel emphasised that you must discover one another’s values during the courtship period. He said that you need to find out if your values complement each other. If they don’t then you need to have a conversation about it. There’s value in exploring with your partner why you want to get married and having an aligned understanding of what marriage means to both of you so that you’re on the same page about the commitment you’re making together.
Theresa Pong, a marriage counsellor, emphasised Albert’s point on alignment of values. She reminded participants not to think they can change their partner through marriage as they will be left disappointed. She added that she and her husband agreed that “divorce was off the table”, meaning that when they choose to get married - they would commit to making the marriage work - either through intentional effort, empathy, understanding, or seeking external support if necessary.
The matrix of non-negotiables, obligations and gaps
Theresa provided participants with a comprehensive matrix of conversations to have before marriage. First she told participants to consider their own negotiables and non-negotiables. Your non-negotiables may be religion, faith or financial habits. If you are unable to resolve your differences here, you may need to reconsider your plans.
Secondly, she told participants to discuss their obligations outside their relationship. This could take the form of siblings with special needs that they will take care of or parents who insist on staying with the couple. In her counselling work, she often encounters couples who did not discuss these obligations before marriage which can cause conflict.
Lastly, she reminded participants to discuss any gaps that the partner needs to be aware of such as debts, personal health or other challenges. If these issues are uncovered after getting married, one side may feel lied to and this can erode trust in the relationship. Given the legal implications of marriage, it is also important to inform the other party so that they are not left blindsided in the case of unforeseen circumstances: if one partner passes away, their debt can become the responsibility of the other partner.
These conversation topics may be difficult, but it’s better to have these conversations beforemarriage in a meaningful and responsible way than struggle with them after marriage.
Your assets and finances (ft. pre-nuptial or post-nupital agreements)
Following from Theresa’s point on discussing potential financial gaps, Imam Ibrahim, a family litigator, emphasised the need to think about your finances before getting married (do refer to our other blog piece on legal status post marriage to understand how marriage impacts your financial status).
While many people think of marriage as a lifelong commitment, this is not the reality for a significant number of marriages. Thus it is important to understand the implications of divorce beforehand. Some couples do this by having pre-nuptial agreements to determine the allocation of assets and other considerations in the case of divorce. Imam emphasised that pre-nuptial agreements are generally not enforceable in Court as of now however the Court does give them some weight during divorce proceedings.
Couples who are undergoing counselling can also consider having post-nuptial agreements to agree upon the division of assets, the provision of a monthly allowance and how custody of children will be handled. This can save couples significant distress as they work towards saving their marriage. A tip given is to is to always keep track of your finances (spending, bank statements, join accounts), for good personal and couple finance hygiene as well.
The aforementioned conversations may seem overwhelming, but they are a worthwhile endeavour, and your partner will be there with you on the journey!
There is now also a whole community of support for soon-to-be married couples, you can find the pre-marriage courses best suited for you here: OMJ | Attend Marriage Preparation Programme (htht does not endorse any specific pre-marriage programmes)
