Level up the way you approach marriage and parenthood with these tips!

The journey through married life and (perhaps) parenthood comes with many new worries and weighty decisions, affecting areas of life from social and travel plans to career and personal growth. When we find ourselves at these new crossroads, it's useful to learn from the experiences of those who came before us. We are not so different from one another, after all!

HTHT and SHE organised a panel on June 18, 2024 with 5 people who are navigating marriage and parenthood: businessman Calvin, financial planner-turned-new mom Dawn, lecturer-turned-stay-at-home dad Kelvin, stay-at-home mom Ameera, and working mom Cheryl. With them, we explored how they managed concerns in decision-making that led to satisfaction and success during various stages of this journey. We have gathered their insights for you below.*

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Concern: Can I trust myself/my partner to show up for parenthood?

Tip 1: Look for Reassurance and Real-Life Behaviour

Discovering you and your partner's potential as parents is a natural process. Sometimes, real-life situations provide the reassurance you need. Risk-averse Financial Planner Dawn shared how witnessing her partner take responsibility in other caregiving scenarios, like caring for a sick pet, boosted her confidence in her partner’s ability to be a supportive parent. Observe how your partner shows up!

“My partner took my sick cat to and from the vet hospital. He did this without complaint, amongst a lot of other things. That event convinced me that my partner was truly a man with initiative. His actions showed me that we would be able to support each other through parenthood, instead of me ending up as a single parent.”

Tip 2: Find Your Why And Choose To Make Time For Family

Calvin shared that showing up for your family is a choice, no matter your life circumstances. He speaks as a very busy business owner with two young children. He used to work hard at managing his businesses, sometimes hustling from 6am to the following day. Having a partner and then an unexpected kid became an anchor and stabilising force for his entrepreneurial journey. 

“It grounded me in what I was really doing all this hard work for as opposed to just going and going for money and more business opportunities. Now I work hard for all my kids and my marriage.”

Concern: Can I balance life, work, and parenting?

Tip 1: Consider The Possibility Of Flexible Working Hours

Flexibility in work arrangements can be a game-changer in parenting and is within your control to make a reality. Calvin shared how his priorities motivated him to make changes to his own work schedule.

“I set up my working hours to allow me the flexibility to spend time with my child, whether during the day or on days when I work from home. When I started my business, I worked seven days a week. Now, as I want to be involved in putting my kids to bed, I have rearranged my working hours accordingly. Having kids doesn't mean giving up on your priorities or career; it just means adjusting your lifestyle to balance both.”

Cheryl echoed Calvin’s sentiments about doing what is in your control to modify working hours. It can help to speak with your employer or transition into a job that allows for time with children, whether during the day or from home. Making use of, or finding such opportunities, can really help couples craft the balance they need for the family life they desire.

“Communicate your need for support. Understanding employers and colleagues on your needs and what works for you, especially regarding flexible arrangements allows parents to manage work and parenting responsibilities effectively.“

Tip 2: Develop Your Existing Support System

It’s essential to acknowledge that balancing work and family life can be messy. However, if you can build the right support system, you can manage both effectively and still spend quality time with your loved ones. Family, friends, ad-hoc paid help, and tech support like dishwashers and robot vacuums can be essential to this system. What do you already have, and what might you need for the future?

You can leverage this system to keep date nights and your social life going. While parents can sometimes help, it's not always feasible. So, explore going out briefly and then returning home. Surround yourself with accommodating friends, who don’t mind house parties where the kids are present.

Your partner should be a part of your support system. Can you communicate your schedules with each other and your capacities at the beginning of every day, or have a sit down during the weekend to ensure both are on the same page with what should be done for the week? For working mum Cheryl, this process helps her and her husband spot where they may need to engage additional help, be it from parents or friends. 

“On a typical week, my routine may look consistent, but each day is different. For example, when I work from home, my mother-in-law comes over to help. If my spouse and I are in the office, I drop off my 14-month-old son at my mother’s place. This support system has greatly benefited me.”

A less structured approach based on individual strengths may work as well. Calvin shared that domestic work is not gendered. Communicate with your partner and see what skills you both have to offer. From there, help in ways that fit with your energy levels, strengths, and skill sets.

“For example, I am good at driving while my wife is not. So I will automatically step up for any responsibilities in that area. I’m better at laundry, and she’s better at cleaning floors. Stay open to learning how to do things better from each other as well. Be willing to teach each other and don’t just criticise and resent each other when household duties are not done up to your desired standard.”

Tip 3: Plan And Accept How Your Lifestyle May Look Like With Kids

We understand that couples hesitate to have kids because they won’t be able to travel as much or as far after having kids. If you enjoy travelling, it doesn’t mean you can’t anymore after you have kids! If you can anticipate, and accept how your lifestyle may change, you will be more able to accommodate kids. For example, travelling with kids can change how you plan and experience trips. Instead of seeing these adjustments as burdens and limitations, consider them opportunities for fun, connection, and making new memories as a family. In stressful times where crying and screaming kids are involved, it’s in your control to see these moments as opportunities to tag-team and problem-solve with your partner. Leverage partner interests & skills in selecting family-friendly activities, booking hotels with child-friendly amenities, and planning for safety and transport options.

Business owner Calvin loved travelling before having kids and still loves travelling often because he finds ways to make things smooth for his family. Adopting a creative problem-solving approach, he has not allowed kids to limit himself and has even taken the family (consisting of a 9 year old and 9 month old) to places like Istanbul and Japan.

“I’ve always loved travelling so initially when me and my wife would bring the kids along, I would find myself wondering if I made a bad decision because some destinations are not very kid friendly. Eventually me and my wife accepted that this is who we are, and so we embraced the challenge of creating safety for our kids during our travels instead of completely sacrificing what we wanted.”

Concern: Should I be a Stay-at-home or Working Parent?

Tip 1: Define Your Version of a Present Parent

Being a present and involved parent is a conscious choice. Only you can decide how you want to show up differently than your parents did for you, and only you define how you’d like to overcome the tendencies you were shown! Adjusting work schedules, how you split your off-days between partner and kid(s), and which daily routines like bedtime you’d like to show up consistently for, all can foster a strong family bond. For Kelvin, he recognised the impact of his own absent father, and worked with his wife to transition into a stay-home dad so he could show up for his kids in the ways he desired. 

“It is extremely important for children to have a present father to model healthy masculinity to them. This helps them form secure attachments that help them later in society. I did not have that kind of upbringing. So I wanted to break the cycle and found solutions to being an intentional and involved father.”

Tip 2: Explore Your Comfort With Breaking Stereotypes

Kelvin, a stay-home dad, was able to reconcile the gender stereotypes with his parenting role as a father. He emphasised that doing more housework or earning less as a man, doesn’t negate your masculinity or reduce your worth as an individual. He was motivated by his belief that sons need their fathers as role models and found great fulfilment in areas such as planning for his kids' education and medical treatment. Ultimately, taking on this role will challenge one’s personal gender expectations. Get curious about your own and test the waters!

Choosing to be a stay-at-home parent, whether dad or mom, can also come with societal and familial resistance. Stay-home mom Ameera shared that negative reactions to her decision surprisingly came from closer friends and family. She knew this role was right for her when despite the push-back, she felt very sure and unshaken.

“They expressed concerns such as, ‘Why would you not choose to go back to work? You’re just moving up in your career, why? Isn’t it a waste?’ Meanwhile, my more supportive loved ones tried to see the value in my decision. They validated me by saying things like, ‘You're gonna look back and you're gonna remember this as it passes very fast in hindsight. All the sacrifices for such good memories will be worth it.’”

Tip 3: Team up against Financial and Social Stressors:

Switching from a dual-income household to a single salaried one can be stressful. Overcoming resistance from friends and family while managing financial adjustments requires teamwork and trust between partners.

“It was a big change for me to switch from drawing a salary to becoming dependent on my husband. Seeing the bank account deplete before my eyes in the beginning was very stressful but through teamwork and choosing to trust my husband, we got used to the new dynamic.”

Is this something that you and your partner feel confident doing together? If you can accept that despite these challenges, the rewards of being present for your children are an invaluable and worthy trade-off, you’d do well in either parenting arrangement.

Concern: How can I handle the changes marriage will bring?

Tip: Set Accurate Internal Expectations

Viewing the challenges of life within the broader perspective of “marriage as hard work” can highlight its significant returns on personal growth and meaningful connection. At work, we learn to set expectations within teams and with stakeholders, and to account for time to manage changes and delays. The same principles apply to accounting for change in marriage. You can better handle change by setting accurate internal expectations, like the four below.

1: Expect to dedicate energy to personal growth

There will be immense pressure to grow your communication skills. Marriage will fast-track your growth in communication: articulating your thoughts and emotions to someone else. Be prepared to over-communicate, face this head on, and know you’re not alone. There is guidance from resources like htht.co!

Both parties will have to become more emotionally intelligent through time. This means understanding your feelings and why you feel that way, regulating your emotions, and sometimes sharing with your partner. It takes a lot of practice to get good at this.

2: Expect and respect changes in each other

You will have to learn how to respectfully agree or disagree with your partner’s ever-changing perspectives if you haven’t already. Our personalities may be quite set in certain ways but we are also growing each day– discovering more about ourselves and each other. Don’t make assumptions about what your partner will do and why. Everyone is different!

3: Expect to put aside your ego

When you have disagreements, quarrel to solve the problem, not to be right. Fighting to prove a point solves nothing. Dawn shared that putting aside your ego can sometimes help diffuse conflict in the day-to-day.

“There was a time when I was nagging at my husband, and he asked me, ‘How long do you want to nag for?.’ Putting my ego aside, I responded, ‘Three days.’ He accepted that, and let me go on for three days. I realised how petty I was by day 2, and resolved the issue soon after. When I shared this with my friends, some said their partner would have had to sleep on the sofa if their partners ever said what mine did. All I can say is: punishing your partner for engaging with you for clarity which may seem like conflict is clearly not the solution.”

4: Expect to share power

Cheryl observed that “happy wife, happy life” is terrible advice. No individual should kowtow to another in a healthy relationship. A marriage flourishes when it is understood to be a neutral partnership based on mutual respect. Both individuals have space to grow when they can share power, influence each other, and respect each other. A happy partner, happy household is more apt. From there, Ameena shared that it becomes very empowering to have built a deep level of trust with another human to the point where you know they will be by your side no matter what happens.

“While you may have certain ways of thinking and doing things that you grew up with, it's important to share some of that mental load and make space for your partner's opinions as well. Be willing to accept influence from each other. For example, my husband didn’t believe in how I wanted to train my child to eat solids. He complained, but respected and trusted me enough to let me try anyway. My child ended up learning how to eat solids with utensils much faster than his peers. Now my husband brags about this. You never know, so keep an open mind to ideas from each other rather than trying to control and force for your own way.”

Concern: Can I make the right decisions?

We’re coming to the end of this article, and of course, we have only scratched the surface of helpful advice regarding marriage and parenthood. For all our readers who still have concerns and worries, here are some overarching principles from Dawn & Kelvin that you can use to guide your decision-making at each life stage.

Tip 1: If you do not know what you want, act on what you do not want.

Dawn illustrated this principle with a personal story:

“I’ve always been a career-oriented workaholic. I had just finished my first year in the audit sector, which demanded extremely long work hours. At the time, there was a colleague who just had a baby. One day, I came into the office and heard some noise in the corner. When I checked it out, I saw her working, even though she had just given birth. Over the next few weeks, I kept seeing her return, trying to do work and keep up. She always looked unwell and stressed out.

Although at the time I wasn’t looking to be a parent, I definitely knew I did not ever want to be in that woman’s position. Seeing the reality of someone who didn’t have the luxury of choosing how to integrate work and personal life was horrifying. Seeing this colleague’s situation changed my outlook for the long term. So, I decided right then and there to quit and work hard on a different career path that would give me more control over my options for the future.”

In this way, knowing where you don’t want to end up, can sometimes be the motivational force needed to make decisions that set you on a path toward discovering what you truly want.

Tip 2: Choose your hard.

Everything in life is hard. Define what is hard about each option you have, then make a decision. Staying healthy is hard, losing weight is hard. Maintaining a life outside of work is hard, work with no life and burnout is also hard. Marriage is hard. Being alone with no consistently guaranteed support is also hard. Raising a child in Singapore is expensive. Going to Thailand and raising your child there, although maybe more affordable, there will be other kinds of challenges with regards to safety and quality of education. Singapore is still one of the safest places to raise a child. 

“Since everything is hard, you must work hard to define what you want for the future. Visualise it and work towards it. If you really don’t know what you want, taking hard steps to create future options is also a choice. For people who are unsure or don’t want kids, freeze your eggs anyway. You keep the option, if you ever change your mind. Choose your hard.”

Tip 3: Be realistic about the limits of planned decisions.

Kelvin, who has a special needs child, shared that a lot of times these questions and discussions come down to how much control we have over our lives and futures. Sometimes, you can only control what you're doing right now and maybe your plans for the next few years.

“We all want some level of control, but ironically, it may not bring us the peace and satisfaction we expect.

For the day-to-day, letting go and trusting the journey can bring more contentment. Life is full of choices, and reality is always changing. Trying to maintain too much control can lead to feeling depressed or frustrated when things don't go as planned.

It's important to have a balance. Life's changes are the only constant, and trying to control everything can be a difficult path. Focus on making the best of each situation and be prepared to adapt. Be flexible enough to recover and pivot quickly. We just never know what opportunities we might miss if we're too focused on controlling everything.”

In Closing

You will make decisions along your life journey that may seem like personal sacrifices at one point in time. The hallmark of maturity is being able to think long-term, recognising how these sacrifices will lead to huge personal growth and greater life satisfaction. The life you want to lead is built upon choices made with a full awareness of where you hope to be and who you want to journey with.

*Quotes from guest speakers have been edited for clarity.